Warning: This story contains descriptions of sexual assault
“He was on top of me – we were kissing and having sex, then suddenly he put his forearm on my neck and pressed hard with his full weight. I just froze.”
Rachel* had never slept with the man before. Speaking to the BBC, she says while the sex was consensual, the man began choking her without warning and without her consent – and that was deeply frightening.
“He just did it like it was normal and it caught me by surprise, so I just went with it,” the 26-year-old says. “I didn’t lose consciousness, but this numbness came over me and I just waited for it to stop.”
It happened again a fortnight later, Rachel says, with another man whom she had met on a dating site. Like the previous occasion, there was no discussion about choking beforehand.
“The actual strangling is a blank in my memory,” she says. “His hands were round my neck, and then I disassociated with it until it ended.
“You go from feeling safe to losing control of the situation. I didn’t have sex for a year afterwards because of how it made me feel alienated from my body.”
Both incidents were distressing for Rachel, who assumes the men who choked her must have seen it in pornography.
“It felt like it was – in their minds – just a normal part of sex.”
A recent government review found porn involving non-fatal strangulation (NFS) was “rife” and that its prevalence online was contributing to choking filtering into some people’s sex lives – particularly among young people. The BBC has spoken to women who’ve experienced choking during sex – both willingly and not – and to experts who say, while it may be more common, it is illegal and highly dangerous.
When someone is strangled, pressure on the neck cuts off the blood supply to the brain, which can lead to feeling dizzy and light-headed. The level of oxygen in the body suddenly drops, while the build-up of carbon dioxide significantly increases. This can cause brain damage or even death.
Other risks include loss of consciousness, strokes, seizures, and speech disorders. Choking can also lead to psychological problems such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and contribute to depression.
Despite the health risks, a recent survey by the government-funded charity the Institute For Addressing Strangulation (IFAS), suggests strangling is most common in the 16-34 age group, with 35% of respondents reporting they had been choked by a partner during consensual sex.
Some 16% of all UK-based respondents (385 out of 2,344) have been strangled once or more during consensual sex, and the data shows a slightly higher proportion of women have experienced it compared with men.
Half of the sample who had experienced it said they had agreed to it, while 17% said they hadn’t.
Some people who engage in sexual asphyxiation say it intensifies pleasure – like Amanda*, who told the BBC she is regularly strangled by her boyfriend during what she calls rough sex.
“It gets us both off,” the 28-year-old says. “I find the idea of turning him on a turn on, and I trust that he won’t go too far and put lots of pressure on.
“It’s an intimate thing with the person you trust the most, so you feel safe.”
A quick search on a mainstream adult website, and it takes just seconds to find a series of porn films featuring long sequences of non-fatal strangulation (NFS).
The influence of pornography has resulted in strangulation becoming “standard behaviour” according to Prof Hannah Bows, from Durham University’s Centre for Research into Violence and Abuse.
“What we’ve seen in the last 10 to 15 years is that it’s become a glamorised, fantasised and celebrated form of ‘normal’ sexual encounters,” she says.
Her conclusions are reinforced by the findings of the porn industry review commissioned by former Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. It found content involving NFS was “rife on mainstream platforms”, and recommended making, possessing or publishing porn showing women being strangled during sex, a crime. It isn’t currently illegal to depict online.
The government also said further action is needed to address the findings that graphic strangulation is becoming normalised in real life.
Details of help and support with sexual abuse or violence are available in the UK at BBC Action Line
NFS was made a specific offence in England and Wales in 2022, with a maximum prison sentence of five years. About 700 offenders were sentenced for non-fatal strangulation or suffocation offences between July 2022 and June 2023, crime statistics shared with the BBC show.
There are no statistics on the number of people who have died from strangulation while having sex. The latest femicide census shows of the 2,000 women aged 14 or above who had been killed in the UK since 2014, strangulation was used in 550 (27%). Some 372 were strangled by an intimate partner.
The National Police Chiefs’ Council (NPCC) warns NFS can be used to control and coerce a partner by using physical strength to create fear – and studies suggest victims are seven times more likely to be murdered by their partner if there had been non-fatal strangulation beforehand.
Amanda didn’t know choking could be an offence in England and Wales, even if done consensually and for pleasure. “I had no idea,” she says, “but it’s our business and it’s our sex life – and it’s not like we both haven’t talked about it.”
Her boyfriend agrees: “It’s hot. We watch it on porn and so you think, ‘if they do it and it works, why not us?’ I might be more careful now though.”
However, Harriet Smailes, from the IFAS, says there is “no safe way to strangle”.
“We also know that consent for these acts is not always sought in advance, and an individual’s ability to provide ongoing consent can be impeded by being strangled.”
Kama Melly KC, who specialises in prosecuting sexual offence cases, says NFS often occurs as an act of domestic violence, and can be difficult to prove due to a lack of visible injuries, eye witnesses, CCTV or forensic findings.
“The fact that there can be a loss of consciousness after just a few seconds – that means the victim doesn’t have a very clear narrative of events,” she adds.
Ms Melly says defendants can claim strangulation during sex was consensual, although such a defence is not possible if the victim suffers serious harm.
Assistant Commissioner Louisa Rolfe, the NPCC’s lead for domestic abuse, wants people to think twice before engaging in sexual asphyxiation.
“I would say get yourself informed and really understand, because you’re not a medical expert,” she says. “You may feel that you’re doing something that’s safe, but all the research and evidence would suggest it’s not.
“It’s incredibly dangerous, so think through the consequences.”
*Names have been changed
Leave a Reply